Kaetlin Perna
May 19, 2006

The Lilac Festival is in full bloom and you've probably seen me walking around with my new boyfriend. He's slender, smooth and black. I listen when he whispers sweet nothings in my ear, and we watch Comedy Central Presents and Eugene Mirman short videos together. He's quite the catch!

We met a week ago while I was looking for recording equipment at Best Buy, and it was love at first sight. He was with his friends Mini and Nano, two boys with flavor but nothing really to offer. We flirted a bit, I whispered in his ear, "I want you," as I looked at him adoringly. He said nothing but reciprocated the feeling.

Like a floozy, I took him back to my apartment. I didn't sleep much that night as he laid next to me. The next day, I introduced him to my friends and he was instantly loved. We were inseparable and carried on our affair like young lovers in the night.

However, the honeymoon is now over. I miss the "can't sleep, can't eat" phase. Sweet nothings are just sweet nothings and we no longer dance the way we used to; the excitement is gone. No matter what happens though, he'll always be with me.

Oh, silly me. I didn't tell you his name. I call him "I" — short for iPod. He's part of the Apple family, a very prominent and respected group of people who require a nearly $300 admittance fee to even talk to "I" and his brothers or sisters.

In all seriousness folks, who needs a boyfriend when you can get strung out with an iPod. It's less of a hassle and they whine less about getting up before noon.