The Story of the Famous Comedian
March 23, 2007

I've worked in two cafes in my life; one in Rochester, the other here in New York City and I'm easily becoming bitter toward the non-tippers. Tipping, yes, is a luxury, but it is also a courtesy on the hand of the one being serviced. Tipping is a means to see which customer respects you. Now tipping sounds monetary (and usually is) but it could also be overall friendliness and being conversational after endless lattes. I prefer both, but am never really noticing of the former if there is the latter. My issue is that when there is no financial or interpersonal reward in doing my job which is making sure you, the customer, is taken care of, I feel like my job is in vain. You probably don't care who the person behind the counter is and that's sad.

Let me introduce myself to you, my customers, my name is Kaetlin, I'm from Rochester, NY; I went to Arizona State University to study Journalism but never finished; I write creative non-fiction, plays, screenplays and other nonsense. I take Polaroids and talk to my cat often. I like walks in the park, sailing, kayaking, hikes in the mountains (when I go), and I was recently interviewed in an independent magazine, Verbicide. Right now, I'm unfortunately at a standstill in my creative writing process on all fronts; I'm preparing for a collective art show in Brooklyn in a few weeks but I'm laxing on that. New York makes my allergies bad; I just got over the flu and now have bronchitis. I have what I call social claustrophobia and really, really don't like when you crowd me when I'm filling your beans. Please, step away before I shove you. Oh, did I mention, I really don't like people.

I'm writing a book about being a writer, here's an excerpt from The Book of Kaet:

"Imagine your life as a movie. The narrator speaks every moment of your life. Well, to tell you the truth, this is my life... One Saturday night, alone in my apartment, I was watching Mean Girls. I know - Lindsay Lohan - but hear me out (one of her best, by the way). This film changed my life and I think it can change the lives and perceptions of any woman who sees it.

I am by no means your typical high school homecoming queen. I'm pear shaped, a little frumpy, a little cute, have an okay fashion sense, and wear glasses. I was the know it all that no one liked. I am awkward and nervous around people but have learned to hide it but completely ruin it with very obvious statements: "Yeah, I like that you and I can just hang out, and that we both like drinking in a bar, where we met, a year ago." Or very crazy statements: "Robert Smigel is a crazy hot man Jew," very loudly in an East Village bar, last June.

Now, given this seemingly realistic self portrait of myself, I have to ask myself, "How did I become so egotistical and judging of others?" I'm crazy about other people, but not really. I'm falling into this "I don't care about no one but me" attitude and have a warped sense of reality where I barely go out because I'm tired and I'm too busy being a writer, that I clearly don't think about how my actions affect others. It got in my head, this movie got in my head that I've become a mean girl, and that I, too, am a bitch.

Tina Fey made me realize this... In fact, I can't relate to people at all in the way that I should. Perceptive, yes; relatable, no. I'm afraid of living the life that other people, people that I write about, might lead. I sit at home bitching about how I have no life, watching Mean Girls, when life is just passing me by.

Customers, do you know me now? I'd like to get to know you: tell me your thoughts, your feelings, your habits, whether or not you like to fart (I do!), do you wear socks to bed or do you not? I'm pleading with you for a connection and I'm not getting it because, "oh God, I'm too tired, I need coffee." Smile, be nice, and realize that I'm a person too. Connection, it's where I'm feeling even I'm lacking as a person, but you're lacking too. Baristas are people too with hopes, dreams, anxieties and have bad days too, so put some money in the stupid tip jar so I can feel like you care.